


Everyone Goes to Heaven

by satirnine



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Agender Character, Angels, Angelstuck, Anxiety Attacks, Death, Demons, Demonstuck, Drug Use, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Heaven, Hell, Humanstuck, Hysteria, M/M, Multi, Multiple Relationships, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Characters to be Added!, Polyamory, Sins, Trans Character, i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-05-24 22:26:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6168970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satirnine/pseuds/satirnine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some just go straight back down to Hell.</p><p>Your name is Cronus Ampora, and you drowned your brother. You killed yourself and your dog. God utterly hates you and doesn't hesitate to throw you down to Hell.<br/>Your name is Kankri Vantas and your brother killed you and you killed him. You saw your father look at you disapprovingly when you were sent down to Hell.</p><p>Your name is Dirk Strider, and goddamn you never wanted to be in custody of an Angel who has no idea what he's doing in Hell. This is just shit, ya know?<br/>Your name is Jake English, and you really wish you didn't have to end up being screwed over in your afterlife too. This Dirk character seems really upset because of you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Some just go right down to Hell.

**Cronus == > Fucking die already.**

When you pulled the trigger on your loyal dog, you weren't thinking about the consequences. You were only thinking of how much you hate yourself. How much you hate the world.

You made sure to at least give the poor dog a quick death. He didn't even move from where you told him to sit when you pulled out the pistol. He just looked at you, waiting for his next command. He wouldn't get one. You shot him and watched him fall to the ground. He didn't even whimper. He was just about as ready for death as you were.

You remember your brother in that moment. How you, in a fit of rage and depression, punched him and drowned him at the beach near your house. You held him under the water until he stopped struggling. You let go and let your dear brother float into the ocean. He was threatening to tell your dad all about your dirty, nasty secrets. God, you loved him, so you let him go. Hopefully to Heaven. He didn't deserve Hell like you knew you did.

You turned the pistol on yourself, watching the blood pool around your only true friend. You pulled that damn trigger with the most genuine smile. Just before you lost consciousness, you saw your dad. Poor fucking guy.

**Cronus == > Go to Heaven, actually, Hell.**

Heaven was even nicer than you expected. God was even more beautiful. If you didn't know sleeping with a man was a sin, you would have fucked him into next week. He passed the person in front of you, and as soon as you walked up, his beautiful face turned into an ugly scowl. All he uttered was your name and suddenly everything was falling from underneath you. You landed on your hands and knees in a much more sinister place, but even still beautiful. A gorgeous man pulled you up onto your feet. He smiled, and you were again taken aback by the sheer beauty. You knew this was Lucifer. The fallen angel, God's favorite. He said nothing, and you were glad, because God know's how much you would keel over and re-die if you heard it. He led you into a populated place, with dark stone and beautifully crafted buildings. People with small dark wings scuttled around, and upon looking at your back, you realized you had your own set. Lucifer patted your ass and turned to go back to where another had been shoved into Hell by God. You walked towards the city-like place, and the noise of the place found it's way into your ears.

You were greeted by a female with larger wings and she ushered you into a large, beautifully crafted building with tower columns and paintings amongst the walls. She talked to someone behind a desk, who gave you a great smile.

"Welcome to hell," she said, "hope you enjoy your eternity here. All we need to do before we can let you go have fun is get you a place to live and explain how hell works here." She stood up from her seat and a male came in to take her place as she lead you to another room behind a deep red door. She sat you down, and the excessive amount of physical contact you got in Hell wasn't too bad. She went to a file cabinet and pulled open a drawer, filled to the brim with folders of eye-hurting colors. She looked you over, and pulled out a violet folder, looking in quickly and shaking her head, shoving it back in and pulling out another violet one. She set it down on the table and groaned again.

"Why do all of your family look the same?" She asked, huffing and raising a beautifully curved eyebrow at you. You laughed and shrugged. She shoved the folder somewhere differently and went to another cabinet, pulling out yet another violet folder. She pulled out a picture and compared it to you, nodding her head and sitting down. You couldn't help but notice how her great breasts bounced cutely.

Hey, you were in Hell for a reason.

"Alright, well, apparently we put your father in the wrong cabinet, and you as well. But, here you are. Cronus Poseidon Ampora, correct?" You nodded. "You're parents are nerds." She said at your name.

"Oh, tell me about it." Your parents were obsessed with greek gods and all that shit. She laughed a gorgeous laugh and shuffled through your folder.

"Killed your dog? What, expected him to be with you after life?" She scoffed playfully. "Well, you're in luck. Since your dog was loyal to you, he followed you here, you gorgeous dork." She snapped her fingers and your Great Pyrenees jump tackled you from somewhere. You flailed as he attacked your face with affectionate licks. "Don't let him ruin anything in here." She scolded.

"Aye aye, Ma'am." You saluted jokingly and she rolled her dark eyes.

"Alright, well, you fucking player," She narrowed her eyes and looked at you. "with 20 women and men," you shrugged, with no shame whatsoever. This was Hell, dammit, "we need to get you a house. That's done. You live here." She handed you a slip of paper with information. "Due to you having that beast, we gave you a yard and shit, and you should have all of you belongings already in the house. And you have neighbors already as well, and one of them has a goat, so don't leave anything too precious outside."

"A goat? Holy shit, that's cool." You always kinda wanted a goat. One of the fainting ones to fuck around with.

"Oh, I know right?" She giggled and put everything back in your folder. "Anyway, here in Hell, you don't have to have a job or anything, but it's always a nice way to pass time and feel more at home. And, if you want to move anywhere else, just call this place up," she hands you a business card, "and we'll get you relocated. And there are always more towns, this is just the one Lucifer thought would be good for you, so you can move if you want as well. There are plenty of pet stores and shit if you want animals, and there are no laws here, so do whatever the fuck you want. It's always better to not fuck someone up though, because there are plenty of prostitutes and shit, so rape isn't usually a problem here."

She glared at you. "And even if this is Hell, rape isn't generally accepted here either." You nodded. "You can still get hurt and beat up like a bitch in Hell, and get nearly killed, but you obviously can't re-die. There's therapy and shit if you have mental issues, and all that nonsense. It works kinda like the realm of the living, but it's everyone for themselves down here." She stood up and put your folder away. "But that should be it. If you have any questions, you can always call me. I'm your help line or whatever." She handed you another slip of paper and rested her hands on her hips. "So, get your hot ass outta here and go get settled." You stood up as well and nodded. "Don't be so quiet either, I feel like I'm being way over-talkative."

"Vwell babe, your wvoice is just so nice." She rolled her eyes at your flirting and motioned you out of here. You walked out, looking at the location of your new dwelling. As you walked to find your place, with Chief — your dog — following you, you admired all the different people who walked around, doing Lucifer knows what. Some people walked so casually in clothes that would easily disgust people in the living world, some not even wearing clothes. You felt so goddamn comfortable in the casual environment, and you talked so easily to the people that greeted you randomly on the street. Hell was such a nice place.

The appearance of hell did have a lot of red and black, and darker colors. You assumed those were Lucifer's favorite colors. But every building also had customized color themes, based on the personality of the owner, and that was very admirable. When you finally found your new home, you fell in love with it at first sight. Apparently Hell was good at picking your mind and creating the perfect dwelling. It was a smaller house, just the perfect size for you, with a garage, perfect for tinkering with shit. The house was obviously old — or at least designed to look and feel old — with cracked sidewalks and old fashioned building styles, and you were such a slut for that shit.

You pulled the key off of the paper she handed you and unlocked the door, walking in as Chief bolted in and started sniffing everything. He was always calm around other people, but when there was a new house that seemed so familiar to you and him, he went absolutely batshit crazy with exploration. The house was perfectly styled to you, and you recognized all your old shit that you never got rid of here, or at least perfectly duplicated. You suddenly got excited and went into the garage, spying your beautiful baby and throwing the paperwork shit your hot 'help line' gave you on the conveniently placed cabinet next to the door. You ran over to your motorcycle and circled around it, seeing every single dent and scratch you memorized on your prized possession. God damn, you loved Hell. You kissed your baby right on her handle and ran your hand down her, fanboying.

Chief started barking, pulling you out of you nearly inappropriate daydreams about your bike and you stood up from your squatting position to go see what the big white beast was barking about. He was as the back door, stood up on his hind legs and looking out the window. You looked outside and saw the object of his excitement, a goat meandering around outside, grazing. You opened up the back door, and felt nearly orgasmic at the beautiful creaking sound it made when you opened it, and Chief darted out the door, right towards the goat, who didn't even freak out. The goat looked up at Chief lazily as he sniffed him excitedly. You slipped your hands into your pockets and strutted outside.

A tall lanky male was outside next door, smoking something. You wouldn't be surprised if it was weed or some shit, because this is Hell, yet again. He had wild dark hair and tanned skin, was fit yet skinny as hell somehow, and you placed him as a Turkish man, though you weren't sure. He wore loose clothes, and possibly worn more than a couple days in a row. He waved at you, a doped up grin on his face. He was definitely stoned. You waved back and sat on the railing of your porch. The crazy haired man started to walk over, and the goat bleated happily before strutting after the male as he came over. Chief followed over just as excitedly.

"Heeyyy, motherfucker. New to Hell?" He asked in a drawn out and husky voice. He had a nice accent, thick and lazy with words.

"Yeah. 'S a nice place." You said, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.

"Mind if I come and motherfuckin' chill with ya?" He asked. You nodded in response and took a drag of your cigarette as he leaned against the railing.

"This your goat, I'm assumin?" You ask. He smiles wickedly and nudges the goat with his foot.

"Motherfuckin' right. 'Er name's just Motherfucker." He said, as the goat nibbled at his shoe. "My name's Gamzee. Gamzee Makara." He told you, taking a drag of whatever drug he was smoking.

"Cronus Ampora." You said, nodding.

"What'd you motherfuckin' do to get here?" He asked. You assumed this was a normal question.

"Vwell, a lotta shit. Slept around, killed my brother, probably other shit." You shrugged as you watched Chief sniff around, randomly digging at the ground.

"Motherfuckin' nice." You didn't even need to ask what he did, he just looked like someone who God wouldn't even dare to look at. "Well, I'll motherfucking tell ya, Hell is the shit."

"I can see that. Ewverythin's been fuckin great already." A loud yelling suddenly came from the tall man's house and he looked over at his dwelling lazily.

"Well I gotta motherfuckin' go now before my bro fuckin blows a blood vessel or shit." He stood up and called Motherfucker, walking back over to his house. You had to call Chief off of her trail and watched as a short little Hispanic male threw open his door and yelled profanities loudly. You stayed outside for a bit, letting Chief sniff around more.

You can't wait to see who else lives in this Hell town.

**Cronus == > End this Chapter.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Spotify was trying to tell me I was doing something wrong because it started playing Christian songs while I wrote this.  
> Oops.


	2. Some are reluctantly sent to Hell.

**Kankri == > Pull the damn trigger.**

You and your brother, Karkat, stood next to each other, both with pistols poised at your heads. Neither of you were shaking or afraid. You were both done with living in the shadow of your now dead father, expected to be amazing priests when neither of you even gave a shit about religion. You gave up on that long ago when you discovered sexual novels, and Karkat was never into the whole 'behaving' thing. 

As he counted down to one, you prepared to pull the trigger to kill him and you could feel the gun on your temple shift. When his pinkie finally went down, the world blacked out as you both pulled the triggers.

**Kankri == > Why can't you go to Heaven?**

You were a sinner. You joyfully read and wrote suggestive material, and didn't give a shit. As God looked down at you with a longing expression, you said nothing and deadpanned. Ever since you were a kid, you had always been a goody two-shoes, always obedient and very loyal to God. Then, of course, you ran into the wrong friends, who ended up being the best friends, who showed you that you being tied down to this large being was shitty. You killed yourself at the age of 21, because everyone at your dad's old church were wanting you to become a great preacher just as he did. Your 18 year old brother was chased after as well, even at his younger age. You both refused to do it. So, the only way out was death, right? There were probably better ways but oh fucking well.

God sighed, "Kankri Vantas, to Hell with you it is." He said, and you looked up, seeing a familiar male standing near the gates to Heaven. It was your father, and just before you were sent down, he gave you a disappointing look that you shrugged at. Then, you had landed on the ground of Hell and Lucifer brought you up and gave you a great smile, and sent you on your way to living in Hell. 

You now lived in an ideal house, with a giant study full of stories you could read over and over again. Whether they are sexual or not, that's for you to know and know that yes, most of them are sexual. You had a dog you had gotten after a few months, and named her Farentine, a cute name you thought up one day while you were trying to fall asleep. You worked as a writer, of suggestive material of course, what else? Your best friend was your so called 'Chaperon to Hell', Porrim Maryam. Porrim was a very attractive woman, curvy with long curly hair, and always wore rather suggestive clothing, tight and low cut, but still a tease. You will be honest, that was one of your favorite things. She had tan skin and elegant features. She was apparently around in the B.C. age, and was executed for being accused as a witch, and of course, was a whore. But she was very motherly and strict.

She assisted you in helping you find your brother, and you were actually sent to live in the same town, even close. While you and Karkat didn't get along all the time, you both killed each other and it gave you both some loyalty to the other. He looked quite a bit like you, some even thought you were twins. You were both rather short, and had the same tousled dark brown hair, and dark skin. Same dark, almost maroon eyes, and same chubbier body types.

You identified as demisexual despite your obsession with sexual material, and that didn't change just because you were in hell. 

**Kankri == > Alright, shut up about yourself.**

When your brother came to your house one day, he was telling you about his day, as you liked to hear him rant and explain things with multiple unnecessary curse words, and brought up a newcomer to Hell. It was his boyfriend's new neighbor apparently, and Gamzee had already gotten accustomed to him. Karkat told you about him, and how he was apparently a very sexually active person, and had a giant dog. He explained how he looked like Eridan, one of his friends down here in Hell, and the suspicions that he was he brother. Gamzee had told him how he drowned his brother, and even you remember hearing the tale of how Eridan had died. Being drowned by his older brother. 

When Karkat was done telling you about the rest of his day, he remembered to invite you over to Gamzee's to try one of Gamzee's pies. You didn't plan on actually eating it, as you didn't enjoy the feeling of being high, but agreed to go anyway. 

**Kankri == > Go to the stoner's house.**

You and Karkat walked into Gamzee's house, a rather spacious house that smelled slightly of sea. You never knew why, but never questioned it either. A lot of times, the smell of smoke overrode it anyway. Gamzee pulled himself off of his other boyfriend — in Hell it wasn't uncommon to have multiple relationships — and greeted you two using 'motherfuck' much too often as usual. Tavros, said other boyfriend, adjusted his shirt and smiled as well, shyly waving to you. You waved in return and walked around the goat with her head currently shoved in the trashcan, to walk over to Tavros as Gamzee picked Karkat up yelling profanities. 

The Spanish boy ducked his head in shy acknowledgement. He had a dark fluffy mohawk and big brown eyes, and was shy as a rabbit, despite being average size and probably able to beat up whoever he pleased. You just stood near, waiting for Karkat and Gamzee to finish up their boyfriend moment and get on with the pie sharing experience.

"Hehe, alright motherfuckers. Motherfucking pie time!" The Turkish man said after getting Karkat completely red in the face from embarrassment. He set your brother down and pulled a pie off of the counter, setting it down on his table and grabbing plates.

"You don't need to get me a plate, Gamzee." You piped up as he was about to grab a fourth plate.

"Nah, motherfucker. You'll enjoy this pie, there isn't any motherfuckin weed in this one." He said, grabbing the fourth plate. He set the plates down and Tavros grabbed forks, all of you sitting down, taking turns to grab a piece of pie.

Gamzee was wonderful at cooking, especially pies, though he usually laced his pies with drugs, to get high of course. It was a pleasant surprise to you that he made a pie without it, as you did enjoy all things unhealthy for you. You all ate, having chit chat here and there, having a pleasant time. Gamzee pulled out another pie that did have drugs, and after a while of the other three getting stoned, you went outside to get some fresh air and let Motherfucker out. The goat headbutted her favorite tree and trotted around happily, bleating every now and then. You think about how you should have brought Farentine to let her get some exercise as you watch Motherfucker pick up a discarded beer can and start chewing on it.

You hear some loud barking coming from next door, and then see a big white dog bolt across the yard right to Motherfucker. A voice calls out and the dog reluctantly turns around to go back into the yard. You look over to the neighbor's house, seeing a tall male with jet black hair pull out a cigarette and light it up. He's extremely handsome and rough looking, only clad in a pair of boxers and a white tank top. His hair looks messy, and you assume he just got out of bed. He has a pair of square glasses on, framing his face, and you automatically see the resemblance to Eridan. Same pale skin and jet black hair. He has tattoos running up one of his arms and one on his neck. 

You have a sudden urge to write him into a story.

He looks over towards you and smiles mischievously, waving. You wave slightly in return and look back over to Motherfucker. You can feel your face blushed and get confused. You never think of Eridan this way, but he looks quite similar. Maybe it's his glasses that make him look more cute than handsome to you. Maybe it's just the height. You don't know, but Gamzee's neighbor is highly attractive to you.

Gamzee walks out and Motherfucker comes up to him, headbutting his leg lightly and bleating. Gamzee nudges her lovingly and walks off the porch over to his neighbor, talking to him for a moment before the other goes inside. Gamzee comes back, smiling dopely and picking up Motherfucker with ease, spinning around and agitating her. You chuckle as she screams for a moment and then the tall man sets her back down. He walks back inside, and you stay outside. After a while, Gamzee's neighbor came back out, with dark jeans on, a white t-shirt, and a leather jacket, his hair slicked back and void of his glasses. He called his dog to him and took a moment before letting it follow as he walked over.

"Vwell hi there." He said as he walked up to you. His dog walked up to you and sniffed at you, getting excited at the scent of Farentine on you.

"Hello." You responded, and his dog starts to jump up at you.

"Shit, sorry. Chief, dowvn boy." He scolded his dog.

"Oh no, it's quite fine. He's probably just excited as my own dog was rubbing all over me this morning." You rubbed his dog's head, who you assumed was named Chief. You smiled and scratched him behind the ear.

"Vwell, I'm Cronus Ampora." He said, giving a brilliant smile and offering his hand. You shook his hand.

"I'm Kankri Vantas. It's nice to meet you." You said, returning a smile. He smelled like smoke, which was to be expected. 

"Just a question, did you get your dog here or am I not the only vweirdo vwho kills his dog?"

You don't question that statement. "I actually got her from here, yes. But I do believe Gamzee killed his goat to be with him." You try to reassure him. He nods and chuckles.

"So are you a friend of Gam's?" He asks with his voice you cant help but adore.

"Yes, my brother is actually dating him." You inform him. He nods and smiles. "So, uhm, do you have a brother?" You ask.

He nods. "Yeah, or at least, I did. I kinda killed him." He shrugged.

"Was his name Eridan?" You ask curiously. He looks towards you rather sharply.

"Uh... yeah. Hovw did you knovw?" 

"Oh, he talked about a brother who drowned him when we first met."

"He's here? And you knovw him?" He asked incredulously. You nod slowly. He shakes his head. "God damn... I newver thought he vwould end up here." He frowns and looks at the ground. "Is he happy?" He asks.

You smile at him. "I believe so. But he does occasionally get sad about you."

"About me? But I killed him." He doesn't believe you. You can tell.

You shrug. "He doesn't seem to care. Perhaps you should visit him sometime. I can tell you where he lives."

He looks at you like a hopeful puppy. "Really?"

"Well yes, of course." You smile. You continue to have some mindless chit chat about things before Cronus goes inside to grab a piece of pie. You smile to yourself when he doesn't have a piece of the laced pie, as you would like to have a conversation with him when he isn't high. 

"So, do you hawve a job?" The question comes up.

"Yes, sortof. I just write stories and novels and such." 

"Oh, cool. Vwould you vwanna share one vwith me?" He asked, and you looked at him, nodding.

**Kankri == > Okay end this fucking Chapter.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super psyched about writing this, but I feel like this chapter is short, sorry!


	3. Everyone has a reason to be in Hell.

**Cronus == > Realize what you got yourself into.**

You don't know what you exactly expected, but you didn't see this way too cute short male to write, _this_. He had walked inside after agreeing to show you one of his stories in progress, and strutted back in, handing you a plain notebook. The first sentence was already enough to know what it was about. You look over at him, and you could pinpoint the look of 'ha look what i can do', the mischievous glare of 'bet ya didn't see that comin' all over the cute male's soft round face. 

"Vwovw. Vwasn't expectin that." You said honestly.

"Well I'm here for a reason." He shrugged, brushing a lock of his dark hair out of his eyesight. 'Fair enough' you thought, as you continued to read it. The original writing was actually really awkward, but the edits written in bright red ink made it flow much easier. "I do apologize though, this is one I started writing when I was younger. But I was re-reading it one day and found out that I actually loved the initial plot, so I edited it and continued to write it."

"Hovw young vwe talkin?" You ask curiously. He seemed to calculate in his mind for a moment.

"Probably around the age of 15-16." If you weren't you, you probably would have sputtered, but you lost your virginity around 14, so you honestly aren't surprised.

"Vwell I can see the improwvement in the edits." You comment, flipping the page to continue reading.

"Why, thank you." He smiles at you, and your brain short circuits at how he still has such an innocent and genuine smile. When you read what his fourteen year old was trying to write, you almost feel ashamed for how you would have no chance at all in hiding your perversion like he does. Kankri Vantas is practically a god, now, in your eyes. You pause in reading for a moment and flip through the pages, seeing that there is a lot.

"Vwould you mind if I took this vwith me and read the rest of it? Or do you still vwant it to vwork on?"

"Oh, no, you can take it. As long as you don't try to use it for your own." His expression darkened.

"Nah, nah! Anyone could tell that I don't hawve the talent to vwrite like this." You said in a rush. He kinda scared you when he was glaring at you, his eyes almost shining red. He nodded and smiled.

"I'm mainly working on a different story anyway, this is more of something I write on when I don't have access to a computer. And it's rude to be on an electronic while in the company of someone else. I also can't help but find it's tacky to be typing away on a computer while others are socializing." He shrugs and pulls a red pencil off of the spine of the notebook. "Please do be careful with it as well. I would rather it not have stains or anything on it. Though please don't take that as me suggesting you are messy, as I don't intend to trigger or upset you."

You roll your eyes and chuckle. "I'll guard it with my life. Chief doesn't chevw up anything anyvway, so it should be fine." He nodded and adjusted his large red sweater. He wore that sweater and just a pair of leggings, and when you finally took the moment to notice anything other than his face, you couldn't keep a grin off of your face. Such a perfect fucking body and he's not even afraid to show off those legs. Your mind takes a moment to try to think of him without the baggy sweater. Would he be all hips or just chubby all over? Either sounded absolutely amazing to you. 

If you were in the living realm, you would probably think to stop these thoughts, but no one can scold you for it. Because this is Hell. 

You continue to chit chat for a bit, mainly you asking questions about Hell, because he obviously knows more about it here. You also end up learning that his dad was a priest and is now in heaven. He doesn't bring up how his dad died, and you didn't ask either, but you assume it was some accident or whatever. 

But, eventually Chief gets antsy, and so does Kankri. You ask what's up and he waves it off, but he keeps his gaze off of Chief almost guiltily. You raise an eyebrow and ask him again.

"Oh, well I suppose I'm just slightly concerned about my own dog. She is not as well trained and will occasionally chew things up. She also gets lonely and I have had complaints from the neighbors about her barking when I stay at a friend's or something." He says with a sigh.

"Vwell then you should go take care a your pup. I probably need ta get back to the house and cook some lunch anyvway." You say, and you both leave after saying goodbye. You step into the house and say goodbye to Gamzee, waving at his cute boyfriend — the one with the mohawk, as Karkat isn't still in the kitchen, and go back to your house. You feed Chief and read Kankri's writing as you start to get some lunch. You prop it above the counter, inside a cabinet, as you make a salad, just going with the idea that yeah, no meat sounds great right now.

His writing, with edits, is very smooth and makes it seem that sex is a such a casual thing, which it pretty much is for you, but you don't see much writing of it that portrays it as such. It's not even something to get turned on about, and that's pretty nice. Not that you are very good at imagining things anyway. Your mind hilariously makes things way over-exaggerated, so when it speaks about the female being more curvy, your mind of course makes her look like a ridiculous cartoon figure.

You could probably be a really good cartoonist if you wanted. And now you have all the time in Hell to do so. You might think about that. You sit down at your small table with chipped paint and eat your salad, pushing Chief and his puppy dog eyes away, working on eating your salad. 

After eating, you go to exercise like you always do, because yes, chubbiness also runs in your family and you have to work to keep your fit and totally fuckable body. You're not against chubbiness, you just don't like it on yourself. Kankri with chub though, totally hot. Eridan with his chub, totally fucking adorable. You love chub, it just doesn't sit well on you, so you keep your second favorite body type: tall and fit.

Being chubby isn't unhealthy, you hastily add to your thought process. It's in fact hella healthy.

**Cronus == > Remember your brother.**

Oh, shit, right. You did get Eridan's address from Kankri. Now you have to locate it. You tuck your hands into your tight pockets, looking for a slip of paper or something. You then vaguely remember pen ink. Written somewhere... Somewhere skin color. Not Kankri's skin color... much paler. Your arm! Shit, you totally knew that. You look at your not tattooed arm and see the red ink printed neatly on your arm. You're pretty damn lucky it didn't rub away too bad while you were exercising. You quickly scrawl it down on an actual piece of paper.

You take a quick shower and question if you are going to go to your brother today. If Kankri is right, then you should probably go today so Eridan wont scream at you for knowing for a day and not visiting. You decide you have nothing better to do today anyway, and take Chief with you. You don't use a leash because you don't actually care, and he's pretty well trained to walk by you. You get lost once when you take wrong turn — who the hell thought to put Greed St right next to Reed St?! You have attention issues, for Lucifer's sake! You get to what you were told is Eridan's house eventually, and take a moment to collect yourself, but before you even get up to the door, it swings open and the shorter male leans his hip against the frame and glares at you. But you can _feel_ the fakeness of the glare.

"Hey Eridorable." You say, using an old nickname he absolutely hated as a kid. You see his lip quiver, but he stands up straight and walks out the door towards you, keeping steady.

"You're an idiot." He says, when he stands right in front of you and looks up. You smile and pat his cheek.

"I knovw." He rolls his eyes.

"How-w did you get yourself killed?" He asks you. You make your hand into a pistol and act out pressing it to your chest and shooting it. "Fuck, you're such an idiot." He says, and then wraps you in a tight embrace, and you can tell he refuses to let go.

"Vwhy don't ya hate me?" You blurt out. You can't help the curiosity.

"Oh trust me, I did at first. So goddamned much, I made a fuckin shrine to murder you w-with darts." He grumbles. "But then I met Karkat and Kankri and remembered all the great times, and realized how-w much of a shit I w-was threatenin you like that. Especially since you w-were so depressed and shit. I'm sorry."

"You shouldn't be sayin sorry. That's my job. I shoulda been a better brother in the fuckin first place." You admit, hugging him back finally.

"No, don't ewer fuckin say that. If you hadn't hawe been like that, w-we w-wouldn't be here in the first place, and I w-wouldn't hawe know-wn w-what I didn't w-want to do." You missed his speech impediment. Yours was fucking annoying, but his is so adorable. It makes him sound shy at first, but then you hear his douchiness come out. It's great seeing people's first reactions to it. But you scoffed at his statement. 

"Vwell ya did somethin to be here." You pointed out.

"Oh, yeah. You know-w that Sol kid I hated?" You nod. "Yeah the reason I came home that one day, all fisted and shit, and then made us mowe w-with all that bullshit about bullyin w-was because I beat him up, punched two other people, and then had to run for my life before one of them killed me." He shrugged. "And I also lied ta dad a lot, so. Lyin is a sin too."

"You're obwviously related to me, ya little nerd." You chuckled and noogied his head to loud protests, and he punched you in the chest to stop. When Chief got all excited from the sudden rough housing, Eridan played around with him a bit. You both went into his house, which was also old themed, but also had a lot more of the sea aspect to it. You were both obsessed and fascinated with old junk, as you lived on a seaside farm, with a lot of old buildings and shit. You both occasionally scared the shit out of each other for the hell of it.

He excitedly showed you around and showed you all his fish. You knew that he loved fish ever since he was a kid, and you love the look on his face when he names every single one of them.

You spend the rest of your night catching up with Eridan, having a pillow fight that Eridan initiated, and ended up sprawled out all over his floor.

"Vwell shit, I should probably go home." You say after checking the time. Eridan rolls over to look at his phone and groaned. 

"Yeah, I guess you should. Do you ewen sleep early though?" You scoffed at his ridiculous question.

"Newver did vwhen I vwas aliwve, vwhy vwould I vwhen I'm not?" Holy shit that sentence was hard to say. Eridan laughed at you and your face before you slapped him with a pillow again. You stood up and Chief perked up from Eridan's side. But Eridan grabbed onto the dog and held on tight.

"Chief cant leawe though." Eridan pouts.

"Vwell I can't say you'll be able ta hold him dowvn vwhen I leawve." You shrug and walked towards the door. Chief starts to struggle and Eridan whines pitifully. 

"Nooooo." He moans as Chief wriggles free.

"Vwhy don't you get a dog?" You ask him, Chief running up behind you, not wanting to be left behind.

"Because then I actually hawe to take care a it." You roll your eyes and say goodbye, getting another pillow thrown at you as you give a shitty pickup line and duck out the door. You walk back home quicker this time, not getting lost on the return trip. You feel like a giant weight has been lifted on your shoulders, and you can't pinpoint any other reason to be feeling guilty, so you don't. You go back to reading Kankri's story as you make a simple dinner, pulling out pizza rolls that were conveniently already in your house. You end up falling asleep on your fucking table while reading it, your plate luckily put away already.

You don't stay asleep for long though, as Chief decides he's hungry again and licks your face repeatedly until you wake up. You push him away and get up and feed him, you think. You were like half asleep when you did so, but he didn't wake you up again when you somehow stumbled into your bed. 

**Cronus == > Go sleep and end this Chapter.**


	4. Some people fall in love in Hell.

**Kankri == > You should be jealous.**

Why would you be jealous? You knew why Cronus Ampora was in Hell before you knew his name. He was a player who slept around. You knew what those kind of people were like.

So as Porrim drug you out of Gamzee's house, grumbling about her hate of men — except you, _fortunately—_ you weren't surprised to see a fairly pretty woman tapping on his door. Judging by the size of her wings, which usually grow in size by how important you are, you assumed she was Cronus's ( _they honestly need a better word this_ , you think) Tour Guide to Hell. 

As Porrim shoved you into her car, you saw Cronus open up his door and met the girl with a hug with entirely too much groping on both parts. It almost made you smile, but you knew better than to show enjoyment when Porrim was practically ranting by now. She tugged the skirt of her dress up to make driving easier and pushed her bangs out, hissing by now. She started her little car with a bit too much force and started driving on. Before the door closed, Cronus must have seen you in the car. He smiled brightly and waved at you, but quickly got distracted when Chief bolted out the door. You shook your head and couldn't help but let a chuckle out, luckily covered by Porrim huffing.

You weren't jealous. Cronus isn't yours, so why is that pesky narrator trying to push you into emotions you don't have? Ridiculous. 

**Kankri == > Ew, shut up. There is a fourth wall to be kept up.**

Right, right, story ethics.

**Kankri == > Back to your life.**

You look towards Porrim as she asks you if you want to go do something. You shake your head. "I think Farentine needs some love and affection, as I have been neglecting her of that attention you know a puppy like her wants. I do hope you wont mind. I also need to work on some of my writing before Andrew gets too upset at me." You say.

Porrim frowns and huffs again. "What if I'm feeling neglected by my little Kanny?" She asks with a forced pout.

"I'm sure you're fine." You roll your eyes. "And you have others to interact with. Farentine does not. So stop whining and either let me off here or drive me home." You mimic her 'mom' voice and cross your arms in your seat. You have too much fun making fun of her motherly attitude.

"You're so horrible." She sighs. "Never leaving time for me anymore. My little Kanny is getting too independent." She turns on the street to your house.

"I do believe I am an adult. I remember killing myself at the age of 21, therefore I am not a 'little Kanny', and I have been independent for over 3 years of my life and afterlife.

Porrim rolled her eyes and chuckled. "Oh hush. Now get out of my car. I no longer claim you as my child." She said as she stopped in front of your house. You lean over and kiss her cheek like you know she adores and step out of the car, shutting it behind you. Porrim drives off and you walk up your winding walkway, pulling your keys out of your satchel you always wear — everyone tells you its ridiculous, but they oddly don't complain when you pull out something they need. You unlock your door and put your keys back, preparing to open the door.

As soon as you do, a fluffy ball hurdles at you from the couch. You nearly shriek as Farentine tackles your feet, yipping happily. You brush off the initial panic and lean down to pet your excitable pomsky pup, who licks at your hand until your cringing and standing up to wash the dog saliva off.

Your house was nothing too special, a simple house with merely an enlarged room for a study. The interior was decorated as you enjoyed, with dark tones and red highlights. You enjoyed the color red. It was sexy, and yet also calming for you. You were probably a bit demented along with perverse. And by gods, did you love it. You would consider yourself someone who is somewhat egotistical. Though not in a bad way. You were merely very confident in yourself, and your body. 

Your house was also fairly messy, even you will admit so. Farentine liked to jump around a bit too much, but you hoped she would calm down soon. Or that you may find a way to get her calmer. She is somewhat too hyper for your liking. You can't even let her outside without a leash, afraid that she might run away. Various things are knocked over in her excitement, and you have learned that you need to shove things as high as you can reach. Which of course, makes life significantly harder. Sometimes you swear you shrink just a bit more. Your interior is currently all of your items shoved up high, literally shoved, and it's harder to find objects than usual. 

You conspire that Farentine has actually stolen your daily planner and is hiding it just to spite you.

After you wash your hands of Farentine's liquids — you did not mean that to sound so weird — you dry your hands on a towel and fill up the dog's food bowl. You spoil her a bit, giving her wet food. When you were alive, you usually gave the dog you had dry food. Not that you did. You had a giant fear of that beast after he bit you.

God knows why your dad didn't kill that thing as soon as it harmed you. You wish he had. You had to live in fear of that thing until it was finally struck down after injuring someone else. Not one of your fondest memories, where your dad seemed to care for someone else more than he cared for you. Your unsure if that was true now, because you do remember not even being able to tell him who and/or what harmed you in the first place.

You get blubbery and don't make sense when you're bawling and injured. And you cried a lot. You don't like to remember being a crybaby, and try to think that you always had good reason for crying, but remembering bawling for just being told to be quiet when you were 7 really disproves your fake belief. 

But you got over your fear of dogs years ago. You have only had a couple of nightmares of dogs ripping off arms and tormenting you twice since you died. You're proud.

You decide you should probably get to writing, instead of daydreaming. You quickly refill Farentine's water and walk to your study, the neatest place in your house. You keep it neat so you don't get disorganized before you even start researching or writing your novels. You put the puppy gate back up after you enter and kick it to make sure she can't knock it down. You walk over to your desk and sit down, stacking some of your novels back up on the edge. 

You're currently trying to write a story, with an actual plot. You decided you should probably expand, but damn is it hard. You just want to write some smut, but you have to get better at writing in general.

Boring main character, boring plot. This will absolutely not do. You toss that story outline into a pile and read your next one. This one is a sex one. Set that to the side for later. Your fingers almost refuse to let go of the page, because it's so interesting and _new_ to you. You haven't yet written anything with a trans character and by gods you are itching to try. You manage to dance your fingers off the page and back to the stack of story ideas, quite reluctantly. 

Another boring one. Stereotypical heroine. Really bad rip-off of Harry Potter. Too gay to function. _Oh._ Wait. You think you like this one. A bunch of kids, and aliens, a game that destroys the world — Andrew helped you think up this one. He wrote 'Homestuck' over the top of it too. You don't find the name satisfying.

You put it away, because you're afraid you'll make it too inappropriate for how young this kids are supposed to be. It's a shame you can't write something without sexual innuendos. You'll let Andrew write that one on his own. 

As you attempt to look through more story ideas, finding none interesting unless they have high probability of sex, sex, and more fucking sex, your mind drifts off from that and instead to people. Someone in general. The narrator knows who you are thinking about.

**Kankri == > Daydream of your crush.**

It's not a crush. Adults don't have crushes. You don't have crushes. But yes, you are _interested_ in Cronus. You are not 'crushing'. That's ridiculous.

You lean back in your chair, idly flipping through papers, and you cant help but to imagine some of the love scenarios... with you... and someone else. Yes, you know, it's Cronus. You don't know what lured you to him. He is handsome, but you are not one for only worrying about looks. He seems very nice, and curious. And he's not afraid to ask questions, which baffles you. You take too long to perfectly formulate a question in your head, and by the time you think of it, the topic has changed. You learned to make good assumptions, but not jump to conclusions.

From your one conversation, you noticed how he has a speech impediment laced into his thick accent that you can't place. He's understandable, that's not an issue. Some words he hates to say, and gets flustered on said words. 

You decide to get some tea to maybe clear your head.

But of course, as you make tea, you notice how the water in your cup reminds you of him. How crystal clear he is to read, how easily he lets his words flow, with little to no filter, how fluid his voice is. You ruin the train of thought by dipping the tea bag into the water. You walk back to your study and sit down again.

You pick up your laptop, and instead of writing what you intended, you find yourself opening a new document on your personal email and writing a complete paper on what you know of Cronus Ampora.

You hope that isn't weird.

**Kankri == > It is, but whatever. Fin.**

Don't be rude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to add fourth wall shattering, it's just my thing.


	5. Everyone stays in Hell,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But not everyone stays in Heaven.

**Wait, who are you?**

Who are you? _Who are you?!_ You're Dirk Strider, of course. Who doesn't know you?

People in Heaven, apparently. 

You were fucking around, as usual. What is there to do in Hell other than fuck around? Nothing, duh. Other than your important work, of course. You forget about that sometimes. For years, Lucifer has given you the duty of remaking new human inventions so that newcomers aren't so fucking dumb. Yet, it just makes the older people here feel stupid. But Lucifer cares about everyone, and he would rather submit everyone to change then make newbies stumble around in way old-timey shit they don't know how to work at all. But hey, you got fucking rad wings. 

You've seen your fair share of Angels. They occasionally come along to give some fucking message to people that God gave. Most of these messages are just preachings to make everyone down here feel like shit. Because 'Oh, you can never be as happy as we are up here in Heaven. Probably should have been better in your past life, lol!' Never fucking works though, lol. You use 'lol' ironically.

Seeing an Angel fall into Hell, though. That's a fucking new one. They're not even a major Angel like you usually see. And they fell where newcomers fall.

You had to save their ass when a newcomer came. He hadn't moved until you literally pulled them out of the way. And now they're staring up at you, with a mix of curiosity and fear. Angels probably say some shit about you guys up there. You wave to Lucifer as he helps the newcomer up, and he gives you a strange look. The Angel looks over and freezes in fear. You roll your eyes and drag them to stand up. They stumble a bit but manage to get their footing.

Angels have an aura around them. A bright, white aura, that makes them stand out like a sore thumb in Hell. (Gotta love ironic sayings.) This Angel is no exception. Despite their dark skin and black hair, they're still bright as a fucking lightning bug. 

"Uh, can you tell me why I'm here?" They asked timidly. You look over at them through your shades.

"How the fuck would I know?" That comes out a bit more harsh than you meant it to. You can tell because the Angel cringes and steps back. Even though they're taller than you and more built, they're still afraid of you. That makes you more proud than it should. "What happened?" You ask, much more calmer.

"I was just accepted into Heaven, and then I just started falling." They mutter in a delicious English accent. You get a little self-conscious of how much of a Southern accent you have. But you laugh after they explain. "What are you laughing at?" They ask a bit defensively.

You accidentally snort and quickly regain your composure. You didn't snort. That wasn't a snort. "God fucked up, holy shit." You chuckle one last time.

"Well, how can I get up there?!" They are getting frustrated at you, you can tell. You tell them to calm it and think.

"Well, let's go talk to Lucifer." You say. They step back, fear flashing over their face again. "Oh, don't get your fucking panties in a twist, he's not horrifying." You shake your head and grab their wrist, practically dragging them along. Lucifer actually meets you halfway, visibly concerned as too why there is a newbie in here with white wings.

He stands in front of you. He doesn't say much, to anyone. 

"Yo, dude." He nods, but doesn't respond. "What are we supposed to do? He fell down the trap after God already accepted him." Lucifer's face contorted into concern.

"Uhm, I'm not a he." They say. You look over to them.

"Shit, are you female?" They shake their head. "Fuck, right. What are your pronouns?" You feel like an idiot. You always ask people that. But you forgot this time. Shit.

"I'm agender." They say. You nod, but stare. 

"Wow. God accepts that but not a trans?" You scoff. You're kinda upset about that.

"Well, trans wear clothes of the other sex, which is a sin." They say, matter-of-factly.

"That's fucking shit." You roll your eyes and look back to Lucifer, who has a weird expression on his face. "Luce?" You snap his attention back and he chuckles, but goes back to a concerned look. "So what do we do?"

"I don't know." Lucifer says in his luring voice. You groan. "I'm gonna let you handle this one though, Dirk." He smiles and you feel your heart skip a beat. "I trust you." And he turns around to go do important Devil stuff.

You look towards the Angel, and realize you're still holding their wrist, so you drop it. They pull their arm back and look at you warily. "What? Do you think I'm gonna fucking suck your soul or some shit?" You snap. You are a bit irritable right now. You just got an Angel dropped on you and your anger from God being against trans came back, and you're just kinda pissed today.

The Angel cringed back again, and stuttered, "well, I mean, uh, I guess, yeah... kinda." You groan again and roll your eyes.

"Well let me tell you, that shit is stupid as fuck. Come on." You brush past them to go find your basically sister, because shes fucking smart and might know what to do. You look back behind you and find that they are actually following you, smartly. God, you think they are hella fucking hot, but they are also a goddamn Angel, and Heaven forbid they date a sinner like you. Literally, Heaven would fucking forbid it.

You really wish you had driven your car to work today, and that you didn't go out on a walk at this specific time. 

It takes a while, but you finally drag you and the Angel's sorry ass to Rose's, and knock on her door. You wait for a minute and knock again, urgently, despite how not urgent this technically is.

"Just a moment!" You hear a voice call out, and that sure as hell isn't Rose's. It's Kanaya. Her girlfriend.

"Nah, I got it." Dave calls from inside. Everyone is there today, apparently. Dave opens the door and smirks at you. 

"Man, why you gotta interfere with the girls' sexy makeouts, bro? Not cool." He leans his hip on the door frame and you roll your eyes. 

"Shut it." You say to your sunburnt brother, standing there like he's totally fine even though you know for a fact that his shoulder hurts like a bitch where he's leaning on it. How do you get sunburnt in Hell? Only Dave would fucking know. You push past the blonde and pull the Angel inside.

"What's got you in such a piss- oh." You nearly laugh at his tone as soon as he sees the Angel, but instead call out for Rose.

She comes in after a moment and freezes in her self-tidying as she too sees the Angel.

"I need fucking help."

**Dirk == > Get some help.**

You were fucking planning on it. 

"Why do you have an Angel?" Rose asks, as Kanaya walks up behind her.

"Long story, they need to get back up to Heaven." Kanaya mouths something about 'They?' to herself, but you ignore that. "They fell down after God had already accepted them. The old fucker screwed up." You smirk as you say that.

Rose giggles. "Ah, finally. I couldn't wait to see the day where he finally failed." She finished rebuttoning the top of her shirt. You look over at the Angel, who is very concerned with everything apparently. "But I don't know how to help you, Dirk." You look back over to her.

"Are you serious?" You grit your teeth.

"Look, man, I know your libido is probably sky high, and this hunk of hotness isn't helping that any, but dude. Calm. The fuck. Down." Dave says at your side. He rests his hand on your shoulder and you sigh bitterly. "You're too fucking stressed, bro." He says, and rubs your shoulder. He takes your death grip off of the Angel's wrist and puts your arms behind your back, hugging around you and pulling you back, popping your back.

"God, fuck, stop." You breath out, and he sets you down. 

"You are getting a fucking Strider massage tonight, let me tell you." He says and claps your shoulder. You roll your eyes at your taller brother and turn back towards the Angel.

"What am I supposed to do with them?" You sigh.

"Well, surely God knew that he made a mistake, and he'll send some Angel to come retrieve them." Rose pipes up. You look over towards her, her dusky skinned girlfriend hanging off her. "They can stay here, if you aren't comfortable with them being there, Dirk."

That woman can read your mind. It makes you uncomfortable, but it's also nice. "Or he-they? What the fuck ever, can stay with me." Dave says behind you. You can feel his eyebrow wriggle and you elbow him in the side. 

"No. They probably want to stay as an Angel." You run a hand through your perfectly styled hair. "I'll be fine. But thanks, Rose. For offering."

"What, I don't get any thanks?"

"Thanks for being a piece of shit."

"Aww, you're welcome bro."

"Well, I'm gonna go and kill myself again." Rose rolls her eyes. "Come on... Angel. Hope you don't mind dogs."

"The hell hounds'll get ya if you're not careful." Dave hisses into the Angel's ear, who shudders. You chuckle and tug the Angel out of the house and to your dwelling. The 'hell hounds' are just your neighbor's dogs, just friendly beasts who like to tackle. You learned an epic martial arts move that confuses them and gets them away. You don't initiate it because the dogs can read your bad mood, and are wary of the Angel's presence. 

You let them into your house. Your messy house, covered in smuppets and anime and horses. You don't feel at all ashamed of your collection of irony. The Angel looks around in interest, still mixed in with stupid fear and confusion. They really need to be considerate.

"So, uhm. You're name is Dirk, right?" They pipe up with after you had shuffled around, shoving shit off your couch and 'tidying up'. You look over at them and they look away.

"Yeah. Dirk Strider." You straighten up from bending over. "And you are?"

"Oh! I'm uh, Jake English." They smile for the first time. 

"Jake? That's your preferred name?" You ask to make sure. They nod. You shrug. "Well alright." You grimace as you suddenly remember your binder. "I'll be back in a minute." You say, turning around and going into your bedroom. You take off your shirt and your binder, replace it with a sports bra, and put on a more baggy shirt. 

You walk back out, and as soon as you enter the room, they can tell. You figured as much. You don't exactly have the smallest 'rack'. God you even hate the irony in using that phrase.

"So your.. uh..?"

"A guy. Yeah." You flip the remote up off the floor with your socked foot and catch it. "Don't over complicate it for me, and I wont over complicate it for you." They nod quickly and shuffle in their spot. You flip on the TV and sit down, putting the volume on low. Just for background noise so you don't go insane. "So you're a newbie huh? And you go and have to deal with this. Must suck."

"Yeah, I suppose it does. I figured as much though. I always screwed up in life, so it would have to follow me in the afterlife." Jake says, trailing off and scratching their neck.

"Eh, it's not your fault. It's God's fault this time." You smirk. You can help but get enjoyment from that. What with how many of those stupid messenger Angels you've heard. "You can sit down you know. It's best to just wait for someone to come retrieve you." You gesture to the couch and they hesitantly sit down. Okay that's getting hella annoying.

You stand up and put your hands on your (too fucking wide) hips and glare at Jake. They shrink into the couch and you roll your eyes. "Okay, look. Could ya stop acting like I'm about ta eat your goddamned face off or somethin'. And nothin' here is gonna eat ya either. Unless ya fuck with the neighbors or some'in'. Just calm your shit and relax, Jesus Christ!" You take a breath, and remask your stupid accent. "There is not common news about people getting their face eaten off or that shit. Murderers? Yeah, they're in a different town with a lot of other murderers so they can have all the killing fun they want. No one's going to make you suffer through almost dying and healing. So seriously, just calm down, and have some fun while you're here. You can do anything here in hell." Jake had of course been cowering while you ranted, but as you sat down again, they sat up straighter.

"I didn't mean to upset you, I'm sorry." They look off to the side. "I'm just not comfortable here..."

"Yeah, I can tell." You sigh and slip your anime shades off, setting them on the arm of the couch and rubbing the bridge of your nose. "Just... I won't let anything hurt you either, okay? Double protection here. Like two condoms on one dick, yeah?" Oops, this is an Angel, ha.

"Odd analogy, but I get the point." They chuckle and you look over. You meet eye contact with their dark green eyes, and they gasp. They scooch closer and look at your eyes. "You have such pretty eyes!" They exclaim. "Or, wait, would you prefer handsome?" They bite their lip and you swoon mentally.

"I don't really care." They nod and continue to stare into your soul. If you have one. Do you have one?

You don't know and you don't really care. The spectacled Angel just keeps staring at you, and Dave wasn't lying when he said your libido has sky-rocketed. Their mouth is hanging open slightly and up this close you can see their face in explicit detail. You can feel your face heat up and your sure they can see it. But they apparently don't notice.

You accidentally maybe lean in and kiss them.

Accidentally.

Maybe.

**Dirk == > Yeah, sure. End Chapter.**


	6. Some people don't want to be in Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know exactly if it is a panic/anxiety/hysteria attack, but a character has some sort of attack, and I wanted to warn you in case you are sensitive to that.

**Jake == > Freak the fuck out.**

This Demon just.

Just.

Kissed you.

_Kissed you!_

Oh gosh, this is bad. Would this be a sin? Since you are a male in body and he is a male in mind? Or would God not care? You don't know and you are really upset. Would he just be upset because it's a Demon?! Is it a sin to be in cohorts with a sinner?! You immediately jolt back and fall off of Dirk's couch, breathing heavily and scrambling backwards. When you manage to focus your vision — why is it blurry? Where are your glasses? — you look around until you see the familiar black blur. You reach out for your glasses and shove them back on your face, a bit too rough. You fell a dull throb where you shoved the nose pieces too hard into your skull.

Dirk is looking at you in similar horror, but it seems more directed towards himself.

"Holy shit, fuck, dammit. I am so sorry, I swear I just-" He started rambling on and you decided to tone it out as he stood up and started pacing. You took a moment to regain your composure and took a deep breath while listening to his smooth Southern tone. Dirk was still pacing and ranting about some stupid over complicated analogy, so you stumbled up and stopped him from continuing pacing. He stopped in the middle of his speech and looked at you, his golden eyes wide.

"Uh, it's fine." You manage out. It's almost not fine, but you choose to ignore that for now. "Just, calm down, chap." You say, and move him to sit down again.

"You- you should be freaking out right now." He says bluntly, sitting down and giving you an odd look.

"I already freaked out, it's done and over now. We're jolly fine!" You see him roll his eyes at your wording and you smile. You realize you still have your hands on his shoulders, so you remove them and sit down on the couch. "It was just a small thing, nothing to freak out about!" You are trying very hard to keep your head straight, and you think you're doing well.

He nods and sighs. "I'm still way fucking sorry. I guess my mind isn't on the same track as my body right now." You nod and kick your feet back and forth, pulling at the hem of your shorts.

You end up sitting in silence for a while, before there is a knock on the door and the taller male from before barges in. A cat hisses and bolts from the door, and you question how you didn't notice the cat before.

"Yo bro, you ready for that fucking Strider special?" He asks as he shuts the door behind him, picking up the black cat. "Mutini is definitely ready." He says as he pets the cat. It has two little white dots above it's eyes, almost like little eyebrows or another set of eyes.

Dirk's brother kindof scares you more than Dirk does. You haven't seen his eyes from behind his shades he wears, and they cover more than Dirk's strange pointy ones, so you can't tell what his expression is. And he keeps a fairly good poker face. You may just be intimidated because he is a few inches taller than you, and Dirk is about a half foot shorter than you. Yet, he seems like a gentle person. You are so conflicted by everything in Hell. Especially of the somewhat dark feel everyone gives off, even with their light tones. Like how does someone as pale and blonde as Dave still feel dark? You shudder at the thought.

"Hell yes, I sure as hell need it." Dirk stands up and stretches his arm out, a couple of pops issuing out. The two brothers get into position fluidly, the red-head laying down while the blonde hovers over him. "Hit me with your best shot, Dave." You stay seated on the couch as Dave (you assume) starts to simply press on Dirk's back, successfully popping it. You cringe at how many cracks you hear, but your eyes are drawn to Dirk. He's biting his lip and his eyes are shut, and you take notice of all the freckles dotting his face. Looking up, you find that Dave shares the freckles trait.

You smile. They both look so similar, like siblings. Dirk has plumper lips and Dave has a thinner face, but they both have the same thin nose and eyebrows. Striders have long and thin body features, but Dirk is a bit more rounded out than twiggy Dave.

Dave continues doing strange things to Dirk that you stop questioning and instead watch. After they're done, Dave stands up and walks into the kitchen, and Dirk stays laying down for a moment. He looks up towards you and locks eyes with you, but you look away.

"Yo, Dave. Hand me the Midol shit in there, will ya?" Dirk asks as he stands up.

"Ew no, I'm not dealing with your medications." Dave calls from the kitchen, but a pill bottle comes flying towards Dirk anyways, who catches it and walks into the kitchen.

You are abandoned in the living room, but you're not alone for long. The cat jumps up on your lap and sniffs you, before deeming you an acceptable lap and curling up on you. Oh, and someone knocks on the door, but they also end up walking in without waiting.

Your absolutely baffled by whoever this is. When they first walk in, you see a white Angel wing and almost start to stand up, but when they turn around to shut the door, their other wing is black. You scooch back and the cat on your lap mews. The stranger looks towards you and cocks an eyebrow.

"Woah- who the hell ith thith?" They ask with a lisp. Dirk peeks his head out and rolls his eyes.

"None of your fuckin' business Captor. What you want?" Dirk asks as he walks back into the living room. 'Captor' turns towards Dirk and hands him some mainframe.

"For your thtupid robot." He says, and looks over towards you.

"He's just here on an accident. Oh shit, can you still travel to Heaven too?" Dirk asks, looking up.

"No. Are you kidding me? Fucking prick never wantth to thee me again." He shrugs apologetically.

"Damn." Dirk sets the mainframe somewhere random and the Captor fellow leaves, giving you another sweeping glance. Dirk plops down next to you and pets the cat in your lap. "Almost had a shot at getting you back. Oh well." He makes the cat start purring louder and smiles.

"What is this lovely cat's name?" You ask. You choose to avoid the initial disappointment.

"'Er name's Mutini. She's my sister's cat."

"Sister?"

"Well sorta. We aren't technically related. But I'm taking care of her cat while she's sick. She thinks it'll pass on to the cat." He shakes his head and chuckles. He looks back up as Dave walks back into the living room, balancing a bag of Doritos, an entire container of apple juice, and a bunch of chocolate. "What are you doing there, Dave?"

"Shh. It's surprise Movie Night with the Striders™." Dave says as he places his armload on the couch, next to Dirk. You scoot down the couch and Dirk follows, Dave plopping down next to him.

"Sounds like fun. What movie?" Dirk asks as he rips open a chocolate bar.

"It's a surprise."

"Dave I swear to God if you play a random gay movie I will kick you out."

"Well it's a good thing I totally didn't choose a random gay romcom." Dave deadpans but tosses a DVD back behind him. Dirk sighed heavily and you snickered to yourself. "Instead the surprise is you'll get to choose the movie!"

"Hell I don't know, play 300."

"You and your goddamned Greek obsession."

"Shut up, it would have been awesome to have been Greek royalty."

"Oh, but Spanish royalty isn't good enough for you? Picky."

"Yeah, yeah, shut up and play the goddamned movie."

You were really confused to say the least. These two siblings said weird things. But you get focused in on the movie when it starts. You have to admit you love movies. All movies. Ever. Film is just amazing! You have watched this movie, and you love it everytime!

But apparently Dirk and Dave could really care less. During the movie, they speak to each other in more hushed whispers. This goes on through the entire movie, and while it doesn't bother you, it piques your curiosity. You're Grandma used to always tell you that you were too curious, but she never said it in a scolding way. Gosh, you wonder if you will get to see your Grandmum in Heaven? That is, if you ever get there...

It's not that you don't trust Dirk, it's just that you don't trust... Hell? Or is it that you don't trust God or yourself enough to get back up to Heaven. Maybe God didn't make the mistake of sending you down here, maybe he just forgot to change your wings. Maybe you were paying for all the bad things you did. You tried to get those thoughts out of your head, but it still nagged at the back of your mind. You felt horrible now. You thought after you finally died, you were supposed to be rid of all the emotional pain you hated? 

That wasn't true apparently. You're cursed.

You can't stay inside. It's stuffy and smells of the Striders. The noise of the movie is getting to you, the yells of the actors morphing into the screeches of horrors, not speaking English, but plainly yelling everything wrong about yourself. You stand up and turn around quickly. You think you hear someone call after you, but it's muffled under the horrors in your mind. You hurry outside and think you're going to just sit in the front yard, but you don't stop.

You walk forward until you hear and see beasts. Dogs, the rational part of you thinks, but all you can really think is more horrors and you stagger backward, ending up sprinting away in the opposite direction, and you think your hyperventilating. It's almost dark outside, it's always darker in Hell than on Earth. You don't stop running until you trip and collapse onto the ground, breathing quickly and far too heavily.

You don't know where you are and you're scared. You think about Dirk. The only person you really know. He scares you too, he only scares you because of what you don't know about him. He scares you by confusing you. You're scared. 

Suddenly, too suddenly, a yellow skateboard plops down loudly — way too loudly — next to you, and you see red and blue and black and white and indigo and everything is too colorful. You curl up and a hand pats the side of your head. The touch is so gentle and calming, but it's someone you don't know. Someone in Hell. They could be a serial killer. Or what if it's God? Maybe he's come to finally explain to you that you of course never belonged. 

You think you start crying. Your face is wet and your mouth is open and you think it's even harder to breathe. You are reminded of when you first came into contact with peanuts. You sob harder.

Everything starts moving. You're being lifted up. The ground falls away from you. You clamp your hands over your glasses and don't look. You're being carried. Excited babble comes from somewhere. A door opens and you struggle. Not inside. Indoors is not good. You are set down again and you curl up, hugging your knees.

You feel your legs get wet where your head is shoved on them. A person plops down next to you and you lean away. More excited babble and you can vaguely register how slobbery the person sounds. It's not a person. It's a horror terror. It's a monster. You cover your ears and shake your head.

You want to die again. Another person is suddenly next to you. They just sit there. But after what seems like an hour — you don't know how fast time is going now or how slow, you _just don't know_ but you _need_ to know — they lift your chin up. You have given up on trying to control your body and you shake horribly, but they press a hand to your cheek and slip off your glasses with the other hand. Keeping the hand to your cheek, they lightly tug your hands off your ear and you just let them fall to the concrete beneath you.

You don't know where you are. You don't know where you are at. When you start to breathe heavily again, they lightly stroke your cheek and run a hand through your hair. Like your Grandmum used to do. You can imagine her smile, and her small murmurs of reassurance, from the first time you broke your arm. She lulled you out of your hysterics and calmed you down.

You slowly calm down. 

When the world finally stops mauling your vision and the screeches become the chirps of crickets, you look around hazily. You don't have your glasses on still. You look towards the person who was babbling earlier, but all you can see is blurs of dark, blonde, and red and blue, and... light? You look to your other side and see blurs of black, pale, black and white. You close your eyes and look forwards. You roll your head back against the wall your leaned against and mumble. You don't know what you're mumbling, but you think it's supposed to be apologies and thanks and pleas all at the same time.

**Jake == > End...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to look it up, but if someone could help me determine what exactly I made him go through, that would be a lot of help! I want to tag appropriately.


	7. Friends are nice in Hell.

**Cronus == > Visit with your house guest.**

You look up from your laptop as your 'Chaperone to Hell' struts in, grimacing at Chief as he lays across the couch. 

"Seriously, how the hell do you deal with all that fur everywhere?" She asks, cocking her hip. You shrug.

"'M used to it." You close your laptop, not admitting to yourself that you were looking up animals for adoption. Ha, you don't need another one. But you always wanted a cat.

"I think I would die, if I'm honest." She sat down next to you and leaned back on the couch. "I can't even stand finding my own hair everywhere." She ran a hand through her thick curls as emphasis. "And I have a lot."

"Ewver think about gettin' a hairless cat?" You jokingly offer. She perks up.

"Oh my god, yes. I would love one. They're so cute." She said. She's weird, you have learned. Her name is Alex, and you feel stupid for not knowing that until she showed up today. She came to ask you if you were doing well so far. You were doing just fucking fine. Alex was more into modern apparently, as she didn't quite love your house like you did. But she said she 'doesn't judge.' 

She had loosely curled dark caramel hair falling over her shoulders with bangs sweeping across her face, and an amazing body to you, but you have learned how gay she is. She even commented on how hot your mom was as she looked at a picture over your fireplace. 

"Anyway, babe. I should get going." She stood up and brushed at her attire, frowning.

"Aight. See you later, hun." You spent a few good hours together, just being idiots and bonding, and you noticed she is very flirty and easy to get comfortable with, using stupid pet names even for you. Over all, a doll. A gropey, loud, goofy hot mess of a doll.

**Cronus == > Netflix and Chill (Alone)**

She leaves and you stand up, stretching out your legs and Chief perks up, his tail beginning it's usual wagging. You trod into the kitchen because yeah, you eat a fucking lot and you will admit that, and you feel like shoving your face with Oreos. You grab the Oreos and plop right back down on your chair, leaning back and pulling your laptop over again. You open it up and pull up Netflix, because why not? You have nothing better to do.

When you were alive, you would have been using this time to either find a new romantic partner, cheating on your current one, or babying your current one. But you don't have a partner, at least not a dead one, and you are alone. In your house. _Your_ house. That's a really nice thought. You used to hate being alone in the house you lived in. Your dad was okay and all, but your mom was a bitch and ruined all memories for you inside of the house. So you usually spent your time outside, or taking your mind off of it with whoever was in your current company. And it wasn't helped around the time after you drowned Eridan. Your dad never entered the room, and never even looked at it, so there was a reminder of how actually alone you were every time Chief pushed the door open and rummaged around. You kinda feel bad for your dad. It's not really his fault you were such a horrible kid. But he got all the bad ends of the sticks. 

He got you killing his two sons, pushing your mom away, and now you left him alone in the house he planned to start over and make life better in.

Yeah, time for a smoke and a show to make you cry so you cry for a reason that you wont be afraid to admit. So... Yeah, an anime you stopped in the middle of sounds great. You remember how sad this one was, so figure maybe you'll be a big fucking baby again. You pull out a cigarette as the show loads, and hesitate for a moment. You never smoked in the house when you were alive, because Eridan and his asthma, and your dad always scolded you. You tuck it back away and figure you don't want your house smelling of smoke or making anyone suffer to near death with asthma or whatever.

The anime finally begins playing, and you focus in on it. You're not able to focus on multiple things at once, so as you watch the anime, you don't notice your phone blurting a Grease quote at you. That is, until Chief gets annoyed enough and rolls off the couch to knock your phone to the floor from off the table. You pause the anime and look up, groaning and putting the laptop aside again to get up and grab your phone. You pick it up and look at the messages. 

One is from Kankri, and you have about a million from Eridan. You unlock the phone and read through Eridan's paragraph of yelling at you for not answering your phone, and reply with a quick greeting. You check Kankri's message, which is a simple hello, turned long with his rambling mouth. Eridan responds quickly, but you type a quick response to Kankri's text as well. 

Eridan scolds you for taking so long but then just claims he was bored, so you send a response to kindly fuck off and get a dog. 

Kankri didn't respond quickly so you plopped back down and continued watching your anime, half distracted by... everything. You got off topic of the anime and now you wont be able to focus on it for hours. That's how you work. That's the exact reason you did so poorly in school. You can't transition fast enough to go from one class to another. Everything moved too fast and rushed, and your head spun and you forgot if 1607 was the date Jamestown was founded or the answer to some math problem. You only got A's in drama, choir, and art. But you managed to at least graduate, you guess. At the bottom of your class. You didn't go to college because you didn't give a shit, anyway.

You notice Chief's dusty fur, but then you notice the brightness — bright for the weird light of hell — outside, and a bird flies past your window. Your thoughts blur from the sound of the anime going on to whatever else you manage to notice in your house. Until you are brought back to somewhat reality, and find something you can actually focus on, for a bit.

**Cronus == > Plan a date.**

Kankri responded.

I am d9ing quite well. A 6it 69red, if I am h9nest.  
I have n9 inspirati9n f9r writing a st9ryline that d9esn't inv9lve, well, sex. I think I need t9 6ranch 9ut 9n my writing, 6ut it is incredi6ly hard, unf9rtunately.  
Aside fr9m that, d9 y9u have any plans t9night, Cr9nus?  


You think for a split second before knowing that you have no plans. You don't have a bunch of friends here quite yet.

nope, i hawve nothin on my plate  
vwhy ya askin?  


He again, doesn't respond as quickly as people usually do, so you start thinking about how you got his number again. It was probably around the time you got Eridan's address from him. You should probably try to remember conversations better than you do, but it's a hard thing to do. You're very scatterbrained, and that was definitely the reason you played and cheated so often. It wasn't just because of how self-loathing you were, and how you wanted others to feel the pain, despite knowing that never fucking worked. A message quickly knocks you out of nearly spiraling into demented thoughts. You're glad you have _something_ to do that. Life was too peaceful when you weren't in a relationship to stop you from that.

Well, I was w9ndering if y9u w9uld want t9 c9me 9ver f9r a dinner. In all h9nesty, I w9uld like t9 get t9 kn9w y9u 6etter. Y9u seem interesting.

Before you have time to even begin responding back, another message comes much quicker than usual.

I'm s9rry, that was pr96a6ly rude 9f me t99 say!

You think that was rushed, as his usual perfect grammar had a small defect in it. He used the wrong 'to'. But you chuckled at his sudden apology.

vwell sure, i vwould lowve to  
mind if i bring chief though? he needs some exercise  


You really hope you weren't crossing the line with Chief. He has been stuck inside with you all day, and you feel bad. But you don't want him to just run around in a backyard with no fence.

9h yes, that w9uld be fine! Farentine might like the c9mpany anyway. He w9nt 6e h9stile t9wards 9ther d9gs will he? He seemed very calm ar9und... Gamzee's g9at.  
I understand his naming ch9ices, 6ut it seems s9 vulgar t9 use in regular c9nversati9n.

  
oh yeah, he vwill be fine  
and i get vwhere youre comin from, but i still think its pretty entertainin

  
Well, alright. W9uld six 6e a suita6le time f9r y9u?  
And yes, it is quite entertaining.

  
sure, sounds like a plan

  
S9 I will see y9u then?

  
yeah, ill be there! see ya then

  
Yes, see y9u then. I'm g9ing t9 g9 get cleaned up a 6it then. My address is 1609 Avidity Ave. If y9u need instructi9ns, I can send that as well.

  
that vwould be a big help

He sent you the directions and you screenshot them for later, sending a quick thanks and putting your phone away. You looked at the time, surprised at how late it was already. You had roughly two hours to get ready. You figure you should probably turn off the anime still playing in the background, and do so, shutting down your entire laptop as well. You carry it to your room and set it down on your desk.

You should probably change. You can only get away with wearing the same thing for three days in a row with Gamzee and someone who hadn't seen you three days ago. Kankri would probably be disgusted to find you in the same clothes. So, yeah, changing sounds like a swell idea. But first, a shower.

When you get out of the shower, you change into a pair of ripped (and no, the rips weren't originally there) jeans, and a simple dark gray shirt that Eridan made you once. He used his copious amounts of free time to screen print on the shirt. He was honestly too great of a brother for you. The front had your zodiac sign (Aquarius of course) and faded into a starry sky with the Aquarius constellation in bright purple. You have no idea how he did it, but you aren't complaining. (He has a matching one as well.) You grab your favorite leather jacket and walk back into the living room, setting it on the coffee table.

Chief stands up on his hind legs to get your attention and that brings up another thing. You could walk there, and then have to walk back in the darker than dark — though the streets are always illuminated. Or there's always your bike. You haven't ridden her since you died, but Chief was coming with. You have rode your motorcycle with him on it before, but you were going slow and more just for the fun of it. You'll just walk, it's safer that way. And if someone did try to jump you, you could probably take them on. You check your watch, and you have about 30 minutes until 6. Might as well start walking, because you'll probably get lost again, despite having very detailing directions to Kankri's house.

You manage to not get lost on the way, surprisingly. There weren't any similar-named roads to decipher, and there weren't any weird turns. A suspiciously easy walk to Kankri's was disrupted only once by a pack of beasts who really like to tackle you and Chief of course had to join in. But you managed to escape the pack of giant friendly dogs with no ruined clothes, and patted yourself on the back for that. But the rest of the walk was fine. Chief had no idea where you were going so he was looking around curiously, but never stopped unless you did, like you had conditioned him his entire life. 

When you check the address, you gawk at the house you were stood in front of. It was a relatively simple house, but still had a sophisticated and slightly whimsical air to it. The siding was a tan color, and there were decorative maroon shutters. He had some flowering plants in the front yard, and most were red with some pink and purple scattered among them. You weren't a plant specialist so you had no idea what kind of flowers they were, but you think you've seen them a lot. You walked up the slightly cracked stone pathway, Chief padding behind you silently. As you lifted up your hand to knock, excited yipping came from inside, and you heard a quiet crash and a voice. You knocked and stepped back.

Chief started getting more excited as the door opened, and when a small dog burst out, Chief immediately — albeit hesitantly — began playing with it the way dogs do. You looked up from the dogs and smiled, seeing Kankri standing there, a slightly irritated face etched onto his features and face red.

"Did I come at a bad time?"

**Cronus == > No, you _made_ it a bad time. End Chapter.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> loOK AT THAT HTML CRAP  
> it probably took me longer to do that word magic than it did to actually write the story  
> but i did it as well i as i can


	8. Dinner Dates in Hell.

**Kankri == > Curse dogs.**

You don't usually curse. You don't find it helpful to yell ridiculous words to express rage when you can instead stay calm and assess the situation properly. Or convey your feelings without the use of nonsensical words. But you are thinking quite a colorful arrangement of insults about your fluffy pup right now. Cronus's boots clunk onto the ground and he shuts the door behind himself as you go over towards the mess your dog made.

Farentine, in her hype for the appearance of Cronus and Chief, decided to scramble across the coffee table and knock down your entire stack of paper along with some of your pens and pencils. "Ahh jeez, that's quite a mess." You hear over your shoulder. You sigh and nod.

"Yes, it is quite a mess. Farentine got too excited when she saw that you were here." You sit on your haunches and begin picking up some of the papers scattered everywhere. You are going to hate having to sort through all of this again. "I apologize, this will only take a moment." You say to Cronus, apologetically. As you reach for a paper, though, a hand reaches down and snatches it up before you can grab it. You look up as Cronus kneels down, and he flashes a grin to you. A lovely grin that makes his bright blue eyes sparkle. You really wish you could- no, stop, bad Kankri. You feel your face heat up and you glance down to hurriedly pick up more papers. "Well, thank you Cronus, but you really didn't have to help."

"It's my pleasure." He says, and as you reach for a paper, his fingers gently graze yours. It doesn't affect you that much honestly, there are no sparks — this isn't some chick-flick romance novel like Karkat loves— but it does surprise you how rough just a brush of his fingers felt. Questions run through your head at the new knowledge. Does he do lots of things with his hands? Does he wash his hands too much? Is he simply not the kind to have ever touched hand moisturizer? You should stop thinking up questions, because you stopped picking up papers and now Cronus is watching you with a raised eyebrow. You clear your throat and pick up the last few papers, shoving them into the pile in your arms and taking the stack from Cronus. You stand up and walk over to your nearest bookshelf, leaning up on tiptoe to push the stack of papers onto the top. You're going to regret that later when you need them and cant reach, but it's safer for now.

Cronus has his head tilted when you turn back around, a face clearly reading confusion, and he glances around at the rest of the room, seemingly noticing where everything is placed. "Vwhat's that all about?" He asked, looking back over to you. You sigh and pick up your pup as she scrambles by you, trailing after Chief as he sniffs around. You pet her head and motion towards her, as she squirms and tries to escape your grip.

"She is a bit hyper and likes to run around. Being clumsy, she runs into things, and knocks them over. She also likes to chew, and will jump up to grab something to chew. I have toys for her, but she seems to get bored of them too easily." You look down at her as she whines and looks up at you, then licks your nose. You giggle and pat her head, setting her back down and she runs right back to Chief. You smile and look back up to Cronus.

He smiles at you and calls Chief over, leaning down to pet him and let him nuzzle at his face. "You'll get her trained ewventually, I'm sure." He brushes Farentine off of his knee and tells her to sit, which she does. You taught her how to do the basic tricks already, and she's house-trained... well enough, but you still have to work on punishing her for chewing and jumping. 

You clear your throat, and twine your hands together, rocking back on the balls of your feet. "Well, shall we get to eating? The food is probably getting cold now..." You bit your lip and motion towards the kitchen. To your relief, Cronus agrees and stands up, following you as you lead him into the kitchen slash dining room. He sits down at the table and you go over to the counter where the meal you made sat, bringing it over to the table and then sliding a plate over to Cronus, setting yours down where you were going to sit. 

You simply made brisket and seasoned potatoes. It probably seemed fancy, but honestly, it wasn't hard to make. You had already been making brisket just because you had it on hand and decided to make it, maybe invite Porrim over, before texting with Cronus and having him over instead. And the potatoes were easy, just throwing them into a plastic bag, adding olive oil and seasoning, then taking them out and baking them in the oven. You start to get your food, inviting Cronus to dig in, and start chatting over dinner. 

"You seem really well with dogs." You bring up as he gets his food.

"Vwell, I guess. But I'm really just good with Chief. He's been my pet for a vwhile nowv." He shrugs and smiles softly. You tilt your head.

"How long?"

"My dad got him for us before we moved to the new old house, so around 8 years ago. So I'wve had a lot a time to train him and make him obedient. My mom used ta be real strict about punishment and that nonsense, so she helped me some on vways ta train him, and that helped a bit." He spoke a bit coldly about his mom, and you chose not to bring it up. You weren't the best on the topics of mothers either. "But really, I probably couldn'ta been sane so long vwithout him." He said. Chief perked up from his position of lying by Cronus' chair, seeming to understand he was talking about him. Cronus chuckled and rubbed his head.

"New old house?" You asked, tilting your head. "Where did you live? If you don't mind me asking." You took a bite of the brisket.

"I liwved in Norvway, actually. Just outside of Fewvik. Though I can't say it right." He shrugged and your jaw dropped. You knew you didn't know his accent well. 

"Norway? Wow. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, though. I could tell you had an accent from somewhere." You smile. "Is it Fevik? I do not mean to mock you or your impediment, but I would just like to make sure I got it right."

"Yeah," he says with a slight chuckle, "You got it."

"So you speak Norwegian then?"

"Vwell of course." He raises an eyebrow. "Vwhat kind of Norvwegian vwould I be if I couldn't speak my ovwn language?"

You blush darkly and sputter for a quick moment. "Sorry, I was just making sure! I knew some people who didn't speak Spanish in Spain... But anyway," You clear your throat and gather yourself back together. "What was your house like?"

"It vwas an old farm that my dad bought. Vwe didn't use it as an actual farm, my mother vwas so against it, but it vwas probably too vworn dowvn anyvway. Vwhen vwe first mowved dovwn there, me and Eri vwould explore the old barn and other buildins, occasionally scarin the shit outta each other. But Eri had pretty bad anxiety, so it vwas pretty occasionally. But it vwas pretty nice. Outside a the house, that is." He frowned slightly but you didn't push on the subject anymore than that. "I heard Spain, did you liwve there?" He asked.

You nodded, "Well, yes. We lived there until I was about 8, and then my dad became a big priest and we started moving around quite a bit, from all over Europe to North America. Then he died in the USA, and me and Karkat — my brother — stayed there, living peacefully for a while until churches started reaching out to us, expecting us to take up father's preaching. We were both rather unreligious, and didn't take up any opportunities. It was fine until our mother, who was still in Spain with our two sisters, started to patronize us for not doing anything. We moved back for about a year, and then back to the USA, after our mother was too unbearable and still mourning over our father. She was always a bit over the top in love with him, and was absolutely devastated she didn't get to say 'I love you' before he died. And she wanted us to 'continue his work'. But we were simply not into it." You shrugged and looked up toward Cronus, then blushed deeply as you realized you ranted again. "Oh dear, I'm sorry. I talked too much." You cover your face and sigh, biting your lip in shame. 

Cronus chuckled and shook his head. You peeked out from behind your sleeves to see him covering his mouth to stop from laughing, but he didn't seem to be making fun of you. "It's fine, chief. It vwas interestin'. And I like listenin." He lowered his hand and smiled brightly. You lower your own hands and look down, smiling softly before giggling yourself.

"Sorry, I do that a lot. Porrim tells me it's adorable in her motherly way, but it's honestly pester-some." You shake your head and then continue to eat, nearly done with your food despite the long paragraph you told. It goes silent for a while as you both finish eating, and when Cronus is done, you stand up and retrieve two wine glasses. "Do you like wine?" You ask him, before you jump to a wrong conclusion. He nods and you set a glass in front of him, then pull down your favorite wine, Rosa Regale. You pour yourself and Cronus some, then sit back down and give Cronus a smile. He returns it and lifts up his glass. You cock your head to the side and he chuckled.

"To nothin in particular?" He asks, cocking an eyebrow and smirking. You chuckle and roll your eyes, clinking your glass with his raised one and you both take a sip, Cronus' larger that yours, and you set your glass down.

"So, how has Hell been for you so far? Are you coping well?"

"Oh, yeah. I'wve been good. Honestly, I'wve been a lot different here than back vwhen I vwas aliwve. It's nicer here, really. I'wve been tryin to change myself from my, uh, prevwious vways." He shrugged and leaned back in his chair, swirling his glass a bit. "Been thinkin' about gettin' into art, but I dunno howv good I'd be at it. I might just stick vwith music." 

"You do music? What kind?"

"I vwrite songs and play guitar. Learned ta play piano vwhen I vwas younger too, but I don't play much." He smiled and looked up at you as you took another drink. He took one as well and set the glass down, having already drunken half. "Do you do anything other than write?" He asked. 

You shake your head, "No, not really. Well, other than spend time with my brother and friends, and Farentine." You sit up more and crane your neck to look at the clock, furrowing your eyebrows. "Oh, the time fell from us. It's rather late. I wouldn't want to keep you up late or have you go home in the complete dark." You stand up hastily, Farentine perking up at your rush. 

Cronus looked down at his phone, and sat up. "Oh, shit. Yeah. I'wve gotta vwalk home too." He stood up and smiled at you. "Thanks for inviting me over." You both walked over to the front door and he slipped his boots on. Chief followed after him, sitting down obediently. You wished Farentine was that tame. He stood up straight and smiled again as you opened the door, picking up Farentine so she wouldn't run off. "It vwas really nice."

"It was. You should sing to me sometime." You smile and lean against the wall next to the door.

"I vwill, if ya remind me." He chuckles and pets Farentine, who licks his fingers hyperly. He waves and steps out the door. "See ya later, Kanny." You roll your eyes at the nickname and wave back, watching him as he walks down the walkway, then shutting the door and sighing, your hand lingering on the doorknob for a moment as Farentine rests her head on your shoulder. You yawn and pull yourself away from the door, grabbing Farentine's leash to let her out and then head to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a lot of saving fails and redos, and discussing food with my moirail, it's done!
> 
> Is it short? I'm not sure, but it's done okay


	9. Moms Know Everything in Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a P.O.V. flip, sorry! These aren't going to be common inside a chapter, I swear.

**Cronus == > Be Confronted**

Holy hell, she looks threatening. And hot. You have some very conflicting feelings about this woman. She stands in front of you, hip cocked and arms crossed, with this glare that makes you almost shake. She has tan skin and is about your height, with defined curves, but still slim-like. She has dark wavy hair that falls over her face and down to her shoulders, with piercing emerald eyes accentuated with her green eyeshadow. Very damn threatening. Kankri is hiding his face, mumbling into his turtleneck about triggers, and you somewhat regret getting out of the house at this time.

You were going to take Chief for a walk, and you saw Kankri talking with this woman, so you waved at him when he looked over, and then after Kankri and the lady talked for another moment, she strutted over. You had your back turned to watch Chief when she tapped you on the shoulder.

"So you're Cronus, I take it?" She finally spoke up after a minute. You nodded.

"-Porrim please this is completely unnecessary-"

"Uh, yeah. And you are?"

"-Cronus, you don't have to-"

"I'm Porrim. Kankri's  _best friend_ and mother." She scowled at you and you shifted back.

"Porrim-"

"Hush for a moment Kankri." She said in a definite condescending mother tone. Kankri huffed and crossed his arms.

"I will _not_ , Porrim. You are not my real mother, let us get that off of the table, and you are not in command of me. I would much rather prefer if you would not patronize me, or feel the need to be so rude to my friends and acquaintances because of your mother complex. It is very problematic and may one day make me lose a friend, which you seem quite against as you are always telling me to get out and socialize. Not to mention how aggravated it makes me that you feel the need to judge people and check to see if they are proper friend material for me, when I am perfectly capable of that on my own. I am a _grown man_ , Porrim. Not a child you need to coddle and baby. And I would like you to not disregard that and instead realize my feelings." He peered at Porrim who looked exhausted and done with this. You pet Chief as he came close, feeling quite a bit awkward and not knowing what to do or say.

"Kanny-"

"And please, do not call me that ridiculous nickname when I am trying to have a serious conversation with you." He sighs again and walks over to your side. "Now, Porrim. This is Cronus Ampora. My friend. I would hope that you won't jump to any conclusions about his appearance," Wow, yeah, you hope not. You look like utter trash. Just wearing sweats and a tank top, and your hair isn't even styled. You also have your glasses on instead of your contacts. "And would get to know him for my sake."

"Alright, fine. Let's go somewhere. Today. Right now, even." Porrim looked over at you and you swallowed.

"Porrim, no. If you want to go soon, and Cronus is okay with it," Kankri looked over to you. "I'm assuming he needs time to get ready, so if he wants to, we will wait for him to do so." He looks back at Porrim.

"Well, would you then?" Porrim asked. You shrugged.

"Yeah, sure. Just giwve me a bit to get ta lookin' better." Porrim nods and you walk back inside, calling Chief inside with you. You get together quickly, just throwing on a white shirt and dark jeans, not bothering with your leather jacket this time, and style your hair back, popping in your contacts and pulling your boots on, stepping back outside. "So, uh, vwhere vwe goin' then?" You ask, walking over to the two, who are now standing by a car. 

Porrim turns to you and motions you back to your house. "Get your dog. We're going to a park." She crosses her arms again and you oblige. Chief runs out when you open the door and barks once, excited, and you walk back to the car. "Alright, we'll stop by Kankri's and get his baby, then I'm going to stop by my sister's to change." She walked around the car and got into the front, and Kankri slipped into the passenger side. You looked at the car for a moment before shaking your head. Kankri rolled down his window and Porrim snarked at you to get in, but that car was too small for Chief and you in the back. 

"Howv far are vwe goin?" You asked.

"Just a couple blocks, really. Her sister's house is on the way to mine, and the park is close to there." Kankri informed you.

"Then I'll ride on my cycle." You said, and Porrim scoffed, but you ignored that and opened up your garage, telling Chief to get up, which he happily did, and you sat behind him, keeping him close and pulling on your helmet. Porrim started up her car and pulled out of the parking position she was in, and when she started driving, you trailed after her, just barely keeping up with her so you didn't go too quickly. They stopped at a nice, gothic looking house first, and you stopped as well. They both got out and you got off your bike, taking your helmet off and jogging after them to catch up to Kankri.

Porrim was about to knock on the door when it jerked open and a male about Kankri's height pushed between Kankri and Porrim, cursing under his breath in a panic. A taller male with platinum blonde hair followed after him, apologizing to them under his breath. A woman appeared at the door and sighed, but then she saw Porrim and Kankri.

"Oh, sorry. They're both in a panic over..." She went quiet for a moment, her gaze turning to you, and then shaking her head. "Nevermind, I'm sure Kanaya will tell you later." She ushered Porrim in, and Kankri stepped off the porch to stand next to you. You turned towards him and sent him a confused look.

"That's Porrim's sister's girlfriend. And those," He motioned to the two men walking off, one of them more frantic then the other, "Are her brothers. The girlfriend's. Her name is Rose, and Porrim's sister is Kanaya. The two males are twins, and aren't technically related to her, but they all have a... different system for familial ways. It's a little strange and hard to explain, so I just let it be as they wish." He shrugged.

"Vwhat's goin on?"

"I have no idea, in all honesty. But I suppose it is not my place to stick my nose in anything." Kankri simply shrugs again and you sigh.

"Vwell alright." You both stand out there for a while, until Porrim comes back out in a different outfit, followed by another woman with the same skin and similar features to Porrim. The same dark, thick hair, the same elegant features. They say their goodbyes and you all head back to your respective vehicles. You praise Chief for staying next to your cycle and hop on, letting him up and resuming your previous position and follow the small car. They stop at Kankri's and the cute male — shhhhh you never thought that — jogged in, quickly getting his pup and you drive on to the park. 

The park was calm and only had a group of kids playing basketball on the court that sat at the edge of the park. The park was actually incredibly beautiful. All the trees were red, whether it be because they were naturally that way, or if it was due to whatever season it is in Hell, they were red none-the-less. You smile to yourself, the only few good memories you have popping up as you park. Your mother holding a squealing Eridan when he wouldn't get on the swing, and then him ending up loving it and making you push him back and forth for half an hour. Your mother and father actually having a lovey moment on a bench when you were really young and helping Eridan do the monkey bars. Parks were always nice. 

Kankri got out of Porrim's car and nearly fell over from the force of Farentine bolting out of the car on her leash. You chuckle, a rumble, and instruct Chief to heel as you walk over to Kankri. Kankri sends a smile your way before his attention is taken by Porrim throwing a set of keys at him that he fails to catch. He picks up the keys and frowns at Porrim, but smiles anyway and shakes his head. You sniff and glance around, tucking your hands into your tight ass jean pockets. High-waisted pants aren't a pocket's friends. But they look hella. Kankri and Porrim walk over to a bench, and Porrim takes a seat while Kankri instead sits on the ground and lets Farentine prance around on her leash. You turn and decide to follow after, at first just standing but Porrim pats the spot next to her and glares at you until you chicken out and sit down.

Honestly, nothing is too bad. You all just talk a bit, and at one point Kankri gets up to walk around because Farentine wouldn't calm down, so you went with him while Porrim stayed back and chatted on the phone. You couldn't pull a smile off of your face.

\---

**Porrim: Notice your baby is-**

Absolutely in love? Oh, you know. It's blatantly obvious. Sure, he's still his lecturing self. But he acts much different around Cronus than anyone else. You watch as the two walk off to let Farentine sniff around like the hyperactive little puppy she is. They chat happily, and while you don't know Cronus well at all, you know for a fact that Kankri doesn't smile that often or listen that often to just acquaintances. You feel a pang of jealousy, he doesn't even listen to you that much. But you know it was bound to happen. And you're happy for him. From what you know about his life, Kankri didn't have a good time with relationships. Barely having friends in his childhood due to being a know-it-all and only annoying all of his classmates, he ended up just focusing on studies. Not even thinking of relationships. 

You're proud. You honestly did take Kankri under your wing, originally just to get him around in the new place, but then seeing how he seemed to only have his brother to clutch to, you helped him get more friends. And it ended up going well. Maybe this Cronus guy wouldn't be too bad. He still struck your radar, but you tried to be rational. After what Alex told you, you can tell Cronus is acting different then he ever did when he was alive. Your motherly instincts tell you so. Not that you were ever a true mother. You look down at your phone and ignore that train of thought. It won't get you anywhere.

You just hope that Kankri knows when it's a good relationship and when it's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to update, this chapter and the next one are harder on me than other ones-!


End file.
